Oooo!

http://missedconnectionsny.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-was-face-painter-at-party-today.html

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Making some huge decisions about my soon-to-be place of residence this week . . .

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I am unabashedly following my bliss.

From Ayn Rand's "Anthem," which I finished reading today:

Here, on this mountain, I and my sons and my chosen friends shall build our new land and our fort. And it will become as the heart of the earth, lost and hidden at first, but beating, beating louder each day. And word of it will reach every corner of the earth. And the roads of the world will become as veins which will carry the best of the world's blood to my threshold. And all my brothers, and the Councils of my brothers, will hear of it, but they will be impotent against me. And the day will come when I shall break all the chains of the earth, and raze the cities of the enslaved, and my home will become the capital of a world where each man will be free to exist for his own sake.
For the coming of that day shall I fight, I and my sons and my chosen friends. For the freedom of Man. For his rights. For his life. For his honor.
And here, over the portals of my fort, I shall cut in the stone the word which is to be my beacon and my banner. The word which will not die, should we all perish in battle. The word which can never die on this earth, for it is the heart of it and the meaning and the glory.
The sacred word:
EGO

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http://missedconnectionsny.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-with-hat.html

I can't decribe how this photograph makes me feel:

. . . other than,
"We'll shine like stars in the Summer night,
we'll shine like stars in the Winter night,
one heart, one hope, one love."

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http://www.illustrationserved.com/gallery/some-illustrations/748052
(It won't let me make a link, so go old-school and copy/paste. It's worth it.)

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It's so funny to think of the person I was 10 years ago. Or 5 years ago. Or 1 year ago. I'm so thankful for the ways I've grown and changed.

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And as an added treat, I give you a video my nephew made on my new iMac. I created a monster when I showed him how to work the video in photo booth. He is 8.

It is finished

I finished The Fountainhead Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day going crazy, weeping and wondering. So good.

Can't Wait

My signed copy of this delightful work is making it's way to my doorstep even as I type. Can't wait to read it.

Written by one of my favorite musicians (Colin Meloy of The Decemberists) and illustrated one of my favorite illustrators (Carson Ellis). AND THEY ARE MARRIED! Wonderful.

goodness

I got to work an hour early to sit under a row of too-long-untrimmed bradford pear trees and read The Fountainhead. I was almost late for work.

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"Now, talk. Talk about the things you really want said. Don't tell me about your family, your childhood, your friends or your feelings. Tell me about the things you think."
Mallory looked at him incredulously and whispered:
"How did you know that?"
Roark smiled and said nothing.
"How did you know what's been killing me? Slowly, for years, driving me to hate people when I don't want to hate.... Have you felt it, too? Have you seen how your best friends love everything about you--except the things that count? And your most important is nothing to them, nothing, not even a sound they can recognize. You mean, you want to hear? You want to know what I do and why I do it, you want to know what I think? It's not boring to you? It's important?"
"Go ahead," said Roark.
Then he sat for hours, listening, while Mallory spoke of his work, of the thoughts behind his work, of the thoughts that shaped his life, spoke gluttonously, like a drowning man flung out to shore, getting drunk on huge, clean snatches of air.

~from Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead.

Last night I sat on the roof of the Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville with Tanya, Josh, and Scott (a friend and co-worker of Josh's) after Scott's show. He and I got into an intense discussion about music. It was intense because, for the most part, we agreed on everything. I got to spill my brain's thoughts about The Joshua Tree. It was fun.

The Joshua Tree is wonderful because it is simultaneously the most comforting and the most upsetting thing. It is dark and light.
It's that tension, that life, that makes it shine all truthful and real.

'The Dress Looks Nice on You' - Sufjan Stevens

I can see a lot of life in you.
I can see a lot of bright in you.
And I think the dress looks nice on you.
I can see a lot of life in you.

I can see a bed and make it too.
I can see a fireside turn blue.
And I can see the lot of life in you.
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.

When the world looks back,
when the face looks after that,
I can see a lot of life in you.
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.

I can see a lot of life in you.
I can see your bed and make it too.
And I think the dress looks nice on you.
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.
I can see a lot of life in you.
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.

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That's my kind of dress, one that reveals all that about a person.

'Celebrities Who Look Like Famous People'

And there's more where that came from here.

So happy.

God is so good. I mean, He lets you see things just when you need to.

So that you can laugh uncontrollably.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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See how empty the room is? I am packing up to move!
And I achieved Marilyn Monroe hair, finally. Well, mine's red, but whatever. The style is the same.

Something I said last night in a dream:

'I breathe in music and chase after light,
I listen to silence and wait for the night.'

I'm not sure what it really means, and I don't normally rhyme in dreams, but last night I did. What's even more odd is that I can remember it today. Strange.

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Anyways

I got to eat dinner with a) Bethany, my best friend since I was like 14, and b) Jasmine, a friend from grade/high school. We all three went to the same church/school growing up and were all reunited for Bethany's wedding in April. It was such a nice time of catching up. Of course, I was the odd man out, being the only unmarried lady, but that was fine by me. No longer can we say, "When I grow up . . ."; we are grown up, as scary and wonderful as that is.

Afterwards Luke, Chelsey, Josh and Tanya came over to the house to spend the evening with Gabe and I. Josh decided to teach us spades, so Luke and Chelsey were team "Starman" and Josh and I were the "Thistles." Gabe watched lots of youtube videos (Reeve Carney/Bono/Edge "Rise Above", cartoons from our childhood, etc) while we played and we all laughed when we Gabe played the Courage the Cowardly Dog episode "freaky Fred."

The Thistles won, naturally.

Then we talked about our personality types for a couple of hours. We are trying ot find out why Chelsey can't peg her's down. Every time she takes a test, she gets a different result.

Gabe-INFJ
Me-INFP
Luke-ENFJ
Josh-ENFJ
Tanya-ENTJ (Our only 'T'! Hilarious because we all call her T.)
Chels-? (she does consistently get I and F)

And then it was Ayn Rand time!

It was a good night, a right night. I wish every night was like it.

Dear Graduate School,

Why do you always hang around and then tell me you will be fun and exciting when I get over-filled with the mundane-ness of life?

To go or not to go? That is the question. Here are some more questions:

Do I want to spend 2-3 years of my life studying painting? I wouldn't mind it.
Do I want to spend 2-3 years of my life in a town where I see no real future for myself? No.
Do I want to spend 2-3 years of my life with out my communities? No.
Am I opposed to new communities? No, I just love mine too much to desert them.
Do I want to return to the town I love at the age of 28-29 and start all over? No.
Do I want an MFA in painting? Yes.
Will I ever use it? Who knows.
Could I do it and drive back to Nashville like once a month? Possibly . . .

500th Post!

So I've been listening to this a lot lately.



I'm excited that Reeve Carney will be playing Jeff Buckley in the new film about the singer's too-short life. Have I mentioned that I love Jeff Buckley lately? Well I do. Carney looks so much like him it's scary. And he can sing.

Friends, Shopping, Stars, Secret Creeks, Black Eyed Susans, The First Glimpses of Fall

I just had one of the most soul-soothing, life assuring weekends ever. After a blistering, too busy Summer here in the Heartland, this weekend of cooler days and leaf-crunching-ly-crisp evenings has been a balm on parched hearts. It all started on

FRIDAY:

when work seemed extra long and I was worried about how to work out my car's brake situation. Thankfully, I hitched a ride to work with Bethany and Dinah. When it was finally time to go home, I was so tired. My schedule has been all messed up from the air being out in the upstairs of our house (where I live) and then trying to pack to move. I can't think in serious disorganization, and since I am trying to organize everything before the move, I have stuff everywhere. It's very frustrating, but I'll make it. So I came home and fell asleep at the very late hour of 6:30 pm and slept until 6:00 am the next day (does that express how tired I was? I think so.). The sleep did me so much good. When I woke up on

SATURDAY:

I cleaned for a while and then went to Red Lobster with my mom for an early lunch. It was so nice, I haven't been to Red Lobster in a while, and mom is the best person to go there with, so we had a nice time. We got to talk about lots of good things and eat cheddar biscuits. What's not to love about that situation?
Straight from there I was picked up by Bethany to go out for a few hours of marathon shopping (the only kind of shopping Bethany does). We went to like 5 stores in 3 hours and pilfered their clearance racks. It was super nice because it was the first real time she and I had really been able to hang out with just each other since her wedding in April. I was thankful for that little bit of time. I bought a new pair of boots (like, early-19th-century-over-the-knee-buttons-all-the-way-up-brown-riding-boots style boots) and a dress that looks like it was made in 1926.
After that, Gabe and I got our stuff together and headed to the cabin, where we had planned our little brother Luke's Post MCAT party. Luke and Chelsey (his wife) showed up early and we had lots of fun together. Soon people started showing up: Keith, Chris, Heather, Samantha, Josh, and some more people that Luke and Gabe knew but Chelsey and I were having too much fun to remember their names. It was just such a great time with our friends. Finally, at around 3:30, I went to bed. When I woke up on

SUNDAY:

it was a beautiful day outside. It was so quiet in the house that I just silently found a copy of Shakespeare and started reading in front of Gabe's window. Gabe wasn't ever going to wake up (he was getting in bed as I was waking up) so I figured I was stuck at the cabin all day. Thankfully, Josh remembered that I car-less, and he offered to take me to church. I took him up on that and away we went. We drove North in the most beautiful weather ever, and the sun was so kind. We were running early, so he showed me a beautiful field where you can see the sky spilling out onto the world for forever. And because it was so vast and open, it was super breezy and lovely and sparkling. Eventually, we moved on to church, which was good. I love being at his church because I get to see so many people I love. There is so much hugging and laughing. Recognition. Assurance of my existence. Afterwards, a huge group of us went to Las Maracas for Josh's birthday (it was on the 12th, but he got to party all weekend). I got to see his sweet little niece Ally and his sister Amanda, two people I don't get to see enough of. The staff of the restaurant were, of course, informed that it was his birthday and he got the sombrero and whip cream in the face that he deserved for being 25 years old. We laughed. It was decided, since Ben's girlfriend had never seen it, that we should watch Nacho Libre at Travis' house. We did. We laughed. Then we thought hide-and-seek would be fun (as I always do), but we were sadly out-whined by people who wanted to do nothing, so Josh, Sam and I drove to a certain awesome road in the country that Josh had been wanting to show me, and there we found gold: a secret creek. Adventure set up residence in our hearts. We climbed, very carefully down an embankment to the water. There where so few traces of modern life (some graffiti) down there. It was enchanted. I pulled my awesome new boots off and went into the water. Josh and Sam taught me how to skip stones, which I've never known how to do. I was so content to just wander around down in that little valley. Sam started climbing the rock wall on the side of the creek and he made it all the way down to a bit of a bridge of rocks and came out to meet where Josh and I had found some black eyed Susans (I made us crowns). Then we saw it: a path. Of course, paths are made to be followed, so we did. We walked a little while until we came out in a clearing where a little farm that looked like it was 200 years old was resting. A red-ish barn, cows, and small crops, all looking very sleepy and spellbound peered back at us. The world had grown up around this place, and we felt lucky to have seen it, and that we should leave it be. It was getting dark, so we reluctantly headed back to our car and drove to the church. When we got there, lots of people were playing volleyball, so we sat around and laughed and had fun for a couple of hours.
But there was one final adventure to be had that night: we needed a shooting star.
The three of us drove out to the wide open field from that morning, wrapped ourselves in warm blankets, and searched for stars (Keith came and joined us too). Suddenly, we threw our arms up and pointed at what was a beaming bright shooting star that split into two pieces and kept going. We were amazed.



Soon it was time to go home, since we had to work the next day. I hadn't felt tired under the stars, but I slept most of the way home, I guess I was just too heavy with adventure and contentment to stay awake, so I slept. I love my life.

Sunday was one of the best days. I felt so alive, and like everything was the way it should be. Like it was almost Fall. And when I got home I found that my wonderful dad had fixed my brakes. Mmmm.

It's all going to work out fine. Better than fine. Better than we could have imagined.

In which I have a less than delightful experience with attempting to getting my brakes taken care of :

First off, let's listen to some Sufjan Stevens covering Tim Buckley:



That song is how this morning feels, which is a good thing.

But back to last night . . .

I got off work and drove straight to the car-repair place to figure out what was going on with my brakes. They had been making this little grinding sound in the very, very, very last second of stopping for the last day and a half. I thought maybe at the most it would cost me a couple hundred dollars. After waiting for a while, talking with the guy at the desk about being Star Wars nerds, they took me back to see Penelope (my green Mazada Millenia) who was hoisted up into the air with all her wheels taken off. They told me lots of things I didn't understand. They told me one thing I did understand: it would cost $1200.00 to repair. I told them that was an impossibility. I'm 25. I'm an artist. I don't have that much money. They put the wheels back on, I paid them for the inspection, and called my ever-faithful mother to pick me up because I was scared to drive it home.

Thankfully, I got to spend lots of the evening outside, under the sky, among the trees, talking about the moon in the crisp air. That helped me to feel more at ease with the brake situation. I texted my best friend, Bethany, to see if I could get a ride to work with her the next morning (we work at the same publishing company). She said it was fine, so I had a ride for today, which was comforting. When I got home, my dad said he could fix my car! And for really cheap!

I went to sleep happy. I woke up happy. I continue to be happy.

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Started reading The Fountainhead on Monday after I finished Still Life. I have a bachelor's degree in reading, after all.

Last night I drove to the city I grew up in. I was comforted by the wave of familiar trees and flow of familiar roads; roads traveled down on the way to school in the bus, to the library and park with my family, to friends' houses. And I even passed some roads yet to be traveled on.

And it felt like Fall.

I drove further north to Cross Plains to visit with friends while they were playing volleyball. I sat on a blanket in the grass with a lady who lived next door to my family for several years. We talked about my brothers' lives, my new (well, not so new now) job, Luke's wedding, my niece and nephew. We talked about her children's lives since we lived next to each other. It was nice. It was the smile of recognition I've been needing lately. A bit of existence-confirmation.
Her youngest two girls (one was a baby and the other wasn't even thought of when they moved across town), who are now 12 and 9, came and lay on the blanket with me. They were asking me all kinds of questions and being super silly. I loved it. And it went on for a good hour and a half.

I love silly-ness. I love laughter.

Afterwards, while I was talking with Josh and Travis, I saw a shooting star. I wasn't even looking for one, but there it was blazing downward in the blue-black sky.
It was a surprise, the kind that makes your heart jump and makes you smile until your face hurts because it is so sudden and so REAL that you feel all the life within you stirred to action;
like breathing deep the crystalline air of a snowy day
like collapsing in the cool grass after a long run
like love
like sunshine spilling into a quiet room
like the shivering dusks of the first few weeks of Autumn.
I followed the full-ish moon, with it's knowing smile, all the way home. It sees everything below, and casts a clear, magical light on it - making all things at once enchanted and startling. It isn't a false light, but rather a truer picture of the reality of those things - the thing fused with its spirit. More silver.

Life is mingled hurt and bliss, bittersweet.
But this night was all decadent sweetness.

Decemberists Concert!

My brother and I just before the show started! We were on the 6th row!



It was SUCH A GREAT SHOW! I've never had so much fun at the Ryman!



What a funny guy.



SETLIST:

Oceanside
Down By The Water
Calamity Song
Rise To Me
The Bagman's Gambit
The Soldiering Life
We Won't Go Down Together
Won't Want For Love
The Crane Wife 1 & 2
The Rake's Song
All Arise!
Rox In The Box
This Is Why We Fight
The Chimbley Sweep -> Folsom Prison Blues (Johnny Cash cover)(see video below!)

Encore 1:

Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye (Leonard Cohen cover)
The Mariner's Revenge Song

Encore 2:

June Hymn

And here's a high point of the evening, as captured by my unsteady hand:

Found some more lovely artwork:

Lovely

Nowadays

Luke, Chelsey, Gabe, Tanya, Emmy, Chris, Sam, Josh, and I all went to see Cowboys and Aliens last night. I wish it had been better. I wish Harrison Ford had had more one-liners. We got pizza afterwards and found a praying mantis in the street. Sam saved him/her.
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Tonight I am going to FINALLY buy my new mac! I've been saving for awhile now, and it is finally the tax-free weekend! My whole family is going with me after I get off work, they are sweet to be so excited.
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A friend of mine is getting married tomorrow. Crazzzzy. Crazy good.
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So I'm seeing the Decemberists tomorrow night at the Ryman. On the 6th row.
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I love this. And I'm also amazed that I didn't come up with it.

Birthday!

I turned 25 on Monday, you know.

My mom got me a copy of the mini-series 'The Duchess of Duke Street' and a lovely antique necklace.

Necklace:


Then I went off to work. At work they sang to me and decorated my office with a banner.

Banner:


I loved getting texts, facebook messages and emails on my birthday. I have so many wonderful people in my life, and that's what birthdays confirm. That and the fact that you are aging.

Anyways.

After work, Mom and Gabe and I went out to Carrabba's to get yummy and healthy Tag Pic Pac.

Tag Pic Pac:


Then in the final hours of my birthday, me and that-other-Leo went out to The School (which is in the middle of nowhere) and watched the Perseid Meteor shower. SO MANY STARS! And several of them dancing about and performing disappearing acts. So many wishing opportunities! Even better than a cake with 25 candles. I told Josh that it was 'like watching fireflies being smeared on the windshield of the cosmos'. He laughed. We became sleepy, and in the 'swampy August dawn' we drove home.

And that was my birthday. I loved it.

Beautiful

THIS!

25

Today I am 25. Twenty-Five.

Here are some pictures of past birthdays:



(Apparently we didn't take pictures in my family for a few years in there; if I find more evidence of my birthdays happening, I'll add them too.)